My Anonymous Friend and I decided to sign up on Cupid.com together the other night. It was fun, she helped write my profile, and I helped write hers. Apparently My Anonymous Friend thinks I am a strong independant woman.... she must have me confused with someone else. Anyway though, I guess that night becomes the official beginning of me dating as a woman. At the time I was thinking this would be a long road, that I'd have a lot of little adventures before finally settling down and getting married. Little did I know just how quick it would be until I considered marriage.
I imagine a lot of women daydream about getting proposed to. The planning, the sincerity, the surprise, that moment between him going to his knee and actually saying the words. I can't really say I have ever had daydreams of getting proposed to, but I can still appreciate that the moment of proposal would be an awesome feeling, one to be cherished.... unless it happens on the internet over Cupid.com.
I think I have been doing pretty well, I have had a couple hundred people look at my profile - but that I attribute to curiousity more than genuine interest. What you can do though, is after you view the profile, if you like the woman you can send her an 'eye contact' - it is just a little prewritten message to let her know you are interested. I have had a good number of those as well, and then if you REALLY like the woman you can send her a message, and I have also had a few of those. Today though, I caught the eye of Stephen. He sent me a lot of messages today and he now holds the title of the being the first man to ask me to marry him... he also has the title of the second man to ask me to marry him... and the third... fourth... fifth...
The messages are quite humorous, and even though I feel like a jerk for doing so, I am posting my two favorites here. I know that one day I will want to remember them:
honey
I want to love you I am feeling strong feelings of love for you
would it be possible for you to maybe feel the same.
I would love to love you and marry you.
Please, consider love.
Dr. Steven Ray
honey
I would love to marry you took one look at you and I was in love sure would love to love you.
Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson
I see you as so gorgeous and so awesome .
Love to marry you
steven
It just kills me where he writes, "Please, consider love.", but the best is "Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson"
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Apparently I Quit My Job
So I get a lot of support calls at work. Usually they frustrate me, but today I had one that just threw me off so hard I locked up. When I finally heard words coming out of my mouth I couldn't believe what I had said. It sounds like I am building up to a story were out of pure anger I yell at a customer but this is not the case. I did lie to him though, here is what happened.
I get this call today, the caller says "Hello, is this Andrew?"
So I say "No this is Sarah."
"Oh I am sorry! I wonder if you will know how to do this, I need to...." and then he details his request. It is some POS configuration setup that I don't know. I tell him that I actually don't know how to do it, but I will find out and make sure it gets done today. I get the feeling he wants it done immediately though and he asked for Shaun.
"I am sorry Shaun is in a meeting right now, but I will get this done for you."
"... and Jesse quit right?"
"Yes"
"Well, I am pretty sure Andrew knows how to do this, is he around?"
And then I didn't say anything. What could I say now? I had already said that I wasn't Andrew, so I'd feel stupid admitting to it now. I paused so long that since my mouth was hanging open, my tongue started to dry out. Finally Alan said "Hello? Is Andrew around?"
".... um no, he's not."
"oh I suppose he in a meeting with Shaun?"
".... no...."
"Will he be back soon?"
".... uh.... no.... he isn't here anymore."
"He quit? "
"yes."
"Did he go work with Jesse?"
".... no.... I don't know where he went." I just wanted this call to end. "I'll call you right back!"
I get this call today, the caller says "Hello, is this Andrew?"
So I say "No this is Sarah."
"Oh I am sorry! I wonder if you will know how to do this, I need to...." and then he details his request. It is some POS configuration setup that I don't know. I tell him that I actually don't know how to do it, but I will find out and make sure it gets done today. I get the feeling he wants it done immediately though and he asked for Shaun.
"I am sorry Shaun is in a meeting right now, but I will get this done for you."
"... and Jesse quit right?"
"Yes"
"Well, I am pretty sure Andrew knows how to do this, is he around?"
And then I didn't say anything. What could I say now? I had already said that I wasn't Andrew, so I'd feel stupid admitting to it now. I paused so long that since my mouth was hanging open, my tongue started to dry out. Finally Alan said "Hello? Is Andrew around?"
".... um no, he's not."
"oh I suppose he in a meeting with Shaun?"
".... no...."
"Will he be back soon?"
".... uh.... no.... he isn't here anymore."
"He quit? "
"yes."
"Did he go work with Jesse?"
".... no.... I don't know where he went." I just wanted this call to end. "I'll call you right back!"
Saturday, July 23, 2005
The Pictures We Took - Pink Shirt
Joanne is quite the little photographer. Yes it is true we only had a crappy webcam to work with, but she was posing me this way and that. Telling me to look up, look down, tilt here, push out your boobs. She was like a smiling. laughing. impish little webcam drill sergeant. 
Friday, July 22, 2005
Sarah and Joey
Today Joanne came over. It was good to see her because I hadn't in a couple weeks. Sometimes I feel that it is my job to take care of people, and that is no different with Joanne. I just always want to make sure she is happy and growing and feeling great. Well she came over and we chatted, made some cookies, and did our hair (ok, she did mine, and she did hers too) and took some pictures and before I knew it she was the one making me happy and growing and feeling great.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Sarah's Timeline - First Half of 2005
January 8
Laser hair removal $264.83
February 17
I told Joanne I was transgendered. She said "Oh I know". She said she knew another male to female already and recognized it in me. It was just lucky I told her when I did because we have been good friends ever since and less than two weeks later she was laid off of her job so if I hadn't told her when I did I wonder if we would have had time to become friends.
February 26
Laser hair removal $264.83
March 2nd
My first visit with the psychiatrist. According to the standards of care I need to be seen for three months before I can get hormones. Knowing that it takes about three months to get an appointment I asked her to refer me to the hormones doctor that very day. That way when the three months of psychiatric evaluation was over with, the three month wait for hormones would also be over. She said she didn't do it that way, but would keep it in mind.
March 21
My second psychiatrist visit. When I left the Dr was writing in her book our next appointment and she wrote "Andrew (Sarah)" on the calendar. At the time that made me feel awesome.
Incidently, this is the same night that I asked Megers what her MSN account was - then I quickly drew a sharp breath because I knew after she answered she'd ask what mine was and I'd have to explain the "sarah" part of it. After I told her I remember thinking that I believed she'd like me more now that she knew I was tg'd.
March 31
My third psychiatrist visit. This time near the end of the session she looked very serious at me and reminded me how I had mentioned getting a referral for hormones sooner. Her tone had me worried, but then she said I was 'with-it' and 'together' and 'smart' and I knew what I was doing. She said she had no doubt that this would be good for me. The compliments, plus the realization that she was making it possible for me to get hormones actually made me cry. When I was leaving she again was writing down the next appointment... this time it was "Sarah (Andrew)".
April 5
I was sitting at work and I thought "I should just change my name", so 3 minutes later I found I was on the phone with Vital Statistics in Regina to ask about changing my name.
April 16
Laser hair removal $235.40
Ears pierced!
April 21
I sent away the name change forms plus $135.70.
April 27
Mail arrives: My new health card and birth certificate!
The best part was the letter that started with "Dear Ms Ma*****on"
May 4
My new driver's license arrives
May 6
Sarah's first paycheque as "Sarah"
May 10
Fourth psychiatrist visit.
First day wearing makeup to work.
Also, this day at lunch I was called 'she' in the drive-thru at Wendy's
May 12
Joanne and I went shopping at Winner's. I came out with a skirt, and a couple shirts. We went to my house and I tried clothes on and Joey taught me how to put on makeup. I felt awesome afterwards and we went to show off to Heather, Heather's mom, and my mom. Later that evening I visited Laurel and Madisun, then went to visit Cole and Janice for a while. I found it weird that I felt less self-conscious dressed as a woman than I would normally feel when dressed as a male.
May 14
Had it out with roommate. He's moving out because he can't handle a transgendered roommate. In the end it is for the best because I would be too scared to fully express myself with him still here.
I put the word out on the sk_transgender group that I needed a roommate and had a reply back from Mark in 20 minutes. On my way to his house I got a call from my boss who had just locked himself out of the office. Despite wearing my new clothes I went to let him in. He didn't care in the least.
May 15
I got my ears pierced a second time
May 16
My first day of work dressed as a woman
May 17 - June 11
A lot of shopping for new clothes, and going to work dressed as a woman for a few times a week
May 28
Laser Hair removal $264.83
June 16
Psychiatrist visit
June 17
Marks my first complete week spent dressed as a woman at work. It was a little triumph for me at the time. Incidentally at the time of writing this it is July 16, so I guess that marks my first whole month spent dressed as a woman at work. It should be noted that I would dress as a woman while out, but never when at home.
June 30
Old roommate moves out
July 1
New roommate moves in. Sarah really becomes a full time woman now.
July 11
Laser hair removal $264.83
July 12
Prescription for hormones
July 13
First day taking hormones
July 15
Took a few more pictures as shown in earlier posts. Since this is a timeline, lets just compare:
Laser hair removal $264.83
February 17
I told Joanne I was transgendered. She said "Oh I know". She said she knew another male to female already and recognized it in me. It was just lucky I told her when I did because we have been good friends ever since and less than two weeks later she was laid off of her job so if I hadn't told her when I did I wonder if we would have had time to become friends.
February 26
Laser hair removal $264.83
March 2nd
My first visit with the psychiatrist. According to the standards of care I need to be seen for three months before I can get hormones. Knowing that it takes about three months to get an appointment I asked her to refer me to the hormones doctor that very day. That way when the three months of psychiatric evaluation was over with, the three month wait for hormones would also be over. She said she didn't do it that way, but would keep it in mind.
March 21
My second psychiatrist visit. When I left the Dr was writing in her book our next appointment and she wrote "Andrew (Sarah)" on the calendar. At the time that made me feel awesome.
Incidently, this is the same night that I asked Megers what her MSN account was - then I quickly drew a sharp breath because I knew after she answered she'd ask what mine was and I'd have to explain the "sarah" part of it. After I told her I remember thinking that I believed she'd like me more now that she knew I was tg'd.
March 31
My third psychiatrist visit. This time near the end of the session she looked very serious at me and reminded me how I had mentioned getting a referral for hormones sooner. Her tone had me worried, but then she said I was 'with-it' and 'together' and 'smart' and I knew what I was doing. She said she had no doubt that this would be good for me. The compliments, plus the realization that she was making it possible for me to get hormones actually made me cry. When I was leaving she again was writing down the next appointment... this time it was "Sarah (Andrew)".
April 5
I was sitting at work and I thought "I should just change my name", so 3 minutes later I found I was on the phone with Vital Statistics in Regina to ask about changing my name.
April 16
Laser hair removal $235.40
Ears pierced!
April 21
I sent away the name change forms plus $135.70.
April 27
Mail arrives: My new health card and birth certificate!
The best part was the letter that started with "Dear Ms Ma*****on"
May 4
My new driver's license arrives
May 6
Sarah's first paycheque as "Sarah"
May 10
Fourth psychiatrist visit.
First day wearing makeup to work.
Also, this day at lunch I was called 'she' in the drive-thru at Wendy's
May 12
Joanne and I went shopping at Winner's. I came out with a skirt, and a couple shirts. We went to my house and I tried clothes on and Joey taught me how to put on makeup. I felt awesome afterwards and we went to show off to Heather, Heather's mom, and my mom. Later that evening I visited Laurel and Madisun, then went to visit Cole and Janice for a while. I found it weird that I felt less self-conscious dressed as a woman than I would normally feel when dressed as a male.
May 14
Had it out with roommate. He's moving out because he can't handle a transgendered roommate. In the end it is for the best because I would be too scared to fully express myself with him still here.
I put the word out on the sk_transgender group that I needed a roommate and had a reply back from Mark in 20 minutes. On my way to his house I got a call from my boss who had just locked himself out of the office. Despite wearing my new clothes I went to let him in. He didn't care in the least.
May 15
I got my ears pierced a second time
May 16
My first day of work dressed as a woman
May 17 - June 11
A lot of shopping for new clothes, and going to work dressed as a woman for a few times a week
May 28
Laser Hair removal $264.83
June 16
Psychiatrist visit
June 17
Marks my first complete week spent dressed as a woman at work. It was a little triumph for me at the time. Incidentally at the time of writing this it is July 16, so I guess that marks my first whole month spent dressed as a woman at work. It should be noted that I would dress as a woman while out, but never when at home.
June 30
Old roommate moves out
July 1
New roommate moves in. Sarah really becomes a full time woman now.
July 11
Laser hair removal $264.83
July 12
Prescription for hormones
July 13
First day taking hormones
July 15
Took a few more pictures as shown in earlier posts. Since this is a timeline, lets just compare:
Sarah's Timeline - Last Half of 2004
So, since I hit that milestone a couple days ago when I got my prescriptions, I thought it would be a nice time to sit and write down some of the other important dates.
August 7, 2004:
I was pretty unhappy. I called a counsellor at Saskatoon Mental Health and made an appointment. Her name was Suzanne, and she asked me what the appointment was about and I said 'Gender issues'. When I got off the phone my heart was beating so fast it was as if I had just run around the block.
August 19
I ordered 0.3 mg Premarin and some Diane-35 off the internet
September 1, 2004
I had my counsellor appointment and I cried my ass off. It was the first time I had really told anyone that I was transgendered. We called Gay and Lesbian Health Services and found out there was a support group in town for tg's so I decided to go there.
Note: I weighed 225 pounds.
September 2-5, 2004
I told my friends Heather, Deanne, Michelle and Jen that I was all tg'd up. Heather was first and hardest to tell. Lucky thing she guessed. Yeah that's right, she guessed. Deanne was next, she was the one I knew would be most knowledgeable, but she also was the most emotional. We had several conversations over the next few days over it. Michelle and Jen, well they didn't seem to think anything of it, but Michelle wished I had told her ten years ago. I wish that too.
September 10, 2004
I noticed around this date that I weighed just over 200 pounds. Somehow in a month I lost 20 pounds! I didn't do anything different at all but the weight was coming off like crazy. I decided to capitalize on this by exercising as well.
September 13, 2004
I went to my first transgender support group. Strangely that night my mom kept calling my cell phone. I think she called 3 or 4 times and I ignored them all. After the group I called back and she was frantic to know where I had been. Maybe somehow she knew something important was going on with me, who knows. In any case I also told my mom that night that I was transgendered.
September 17, 2004
At my birthday supper my brother-in-law and sister were telling us that they had seen a transsexual at the mall. They sounded disgusted, but it was at the way she was dressed more than the notion of gender identity disorder. In any case as they were talking I fell silent and my mom started saying "coffee anyone?!?! COFFEE?!?!? WHO WANTS COFFEEE!!" in an attempt to change the subject.
September 29
I applied for Blue Cross - thinking ahead to when I'd need prescription coverage.
September-November, 2004 (I may have dates for some of these events written down, I will add them if I find them)
I told pretty much all my friends and my immediate famly including my roommate. I ended up losing the roommate over it. It was also the beginning of the end of my friendship with Rob. He proclaimed to be supportive, but never did show any support. Instead he just pretended nothing was different and if I brought it up he'd say he didn't have time for my problems because he had his own. It is true, Rob does have problems.
I started the first of my laser hair removals on my face. Ouch!
I got a new doctor for myself and told her I was tg'd. She referred me to a psychiatrist.
December 5
I started to take the hormones I had bought.
December 9, 2004
I was feeling pretty good about my weight. I was down to 180 pounds and so I took some pictures one night to show my friend Kelly.
An interesting thing here is that I hadn't had a haircut in almost 6 months by this time but it still looks so short! If I had a picture from August my hair would have been anywhere from 0.1 to 1 centimetre long.
August 7, 2004:
I was pretty unhappy. I called a counsellor at Saskatoon Mental Health and made an appointment. Her name was Suzanne, and she asked me what the appointment was about and I said 'Gender issues'. When I got off the phone my heart was beating so fast it was as if I had just run around the block.
August 19
I ordered 0.3 mg Premarin and some Diane-35 off the internet
September 1, 2004
I had my counsellor appointment and I cried my ass off. It was the first time I had really told anyone that I was transgendered. We called Gay and Lesbian Health Services and found out there was a support group in town for tg's so I decided to go there.
Note: I weighed 225 pounds.
September 2-5, 2004
I told my friends Heather, Deanne, Michelle and Jen that I was all tg'd up. Heather was first and hardest to tell. Lucky thing she guessed. Yeah that's right, she guessed. Deanne was next, she was the one I knew would be most knowledgeable, but she also was the most emotional. We had several conversations over the next few days over it. Michelle and Jen, well they didn't seem to think anything of it, but Michelle wished I had told her ten years ago. I wish that too.
September 10, 2004
I noticed around this date that I weighed just over 200 pounds. Somehow in a month I lost 20 pounds! I didn't do anything different at all but the weight was coming off like crazy. I decided to capitalize on this by exercising as well.
September 13, 2004
I went to my first transgender support group. Strangely that night my mom kept calling my cell phone. I think she called 3 or 4 times and I ignored them all. After the group I called back and she was frantic to know where I had been. Maybe somehow she knew something important was going on with me, who knows. In any case I also told my mom that night that I was transgendered.
September 17, 2004
At my birthday supper my brother-in-law and sister were telling us that they had seen a transsexual at the mall. They sounded disgusted, but it was at the way she was dressed more than the notion of gender identity disorder. In any case as they were talking I fell silent and my mom started saying "coffee anyone?!?! COFFEE?!?!? WHO WANTS COFFEEE!!" in an attempt to change the subject.
September 29
I applied for Blue Cross - thinking ahead to when I'd need prescription coverage.
September-November, 2004 (I may have dates for some of these events written down, I will add them if I find them)
I told pretty much all my friends and my immediate famly including my roommate. I ended up losing the roommate over it. It was also the beginning of the end of my friendship with Rob. He proclaimed to be supportive, but never did show any support. Instead he just pretended nothing was different and if I brought it up he'd say he didn't have time for my problems because he had his own. It is true, Rob does have problems.
I started the first of my laser hair removals on my face. Ouch!
I got a new doctor for myself and told her I was tg'd. She referred me to a psychiatrist.
December 5
I started to take the hormones I had bought.
December 9, 2004
I was feeling pretty good about my weight. I was down to 180 pounds and so I took some pictures one night to show my friend Kelly.
An interesting thing here is that I hadn't had a haircut in almost 6 months by this time but it still looks so short! If I had a picture from August my hair would have been anywhere from 0.1 to 1 centimetre long.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Sarah Takes her Medicine!
*** IMPORTANT DATE ***
I don't really have much to say here other than to commemorate that today I took the first of my prescription. Just to make sure I had a real date to celebrate I took one of each pill. July 13th, mark it on your calendar, it is the day I started my new puberty.
I don't really have much to say here other than to commemorate that today I took the first of my prescription. Just to make sure I had a real date to celebrate I took one of each pill. July 13th, mark it on your calendar, it is the day I started my new puberty.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Sarah Gets her Prescription!
*** IMPORTANT DATE ***
Today began at the hospital. I showed up and went to let the medical receptionist know I was there. She took my letter from the Dr, and my health card. She punched a bunch of keys on the keyboard and said she would be right back with my printout. As she walked back to me she was looking it over and she paused and said there was a mistake! She needed my card back again. So I handed her the card and she looked at it. I am pretty sure she was looking at the 'M' on the card and realized the 'M' on the printout wasn't a mistake afterall. She handed it back with a 'Oh! Nevermind.'
I am sure I am not the first transgender woman to visit the hormone doctor, so I was quite impressed with myself that she didn't clock me right away.
I was taken to a room and soon a doctor with an accent came in. I noticed that he often looked at my breasts. He was taking my medical history and between looking at my face and looking at his clipboard he would pause for an instant at my chest. Now I know he knows I am physically male, so my only theory is that he was trying to figure out what was inside my bra. I think with each glance he was thinking "Kleenexes?".... "socks?" ... "apples?"
Soon after the real doctor came in. His name is Dr Wilson. He is quite old, and he carries one of those doctor bags doctors from the 50's would carry on their way to house calls. He got me to stand up and he started measuring. He already had me weighed, and my height taken, and now he was measuring around my waist and around my hips. He told me a male has a waist to hip ratio of typically around 0.9 and up, and a woman's ratio is 0.8 or less. My ratio is 0.87, so he pointed out to me that it appeared as though I was less than the average male in that regard. Well despite the reason I was there, and the clothes I was wearing I also added that I am less than the average male in a LOT of ways.
I walked out with two prescriptions. One for anti-androgens - to block testosterone, and one for estrogen - to provide what my body lacks, but what most other women already get from nature. These are the particulars:
Cyproterone
C.E.S 1.25 mg
Conjugated Estrogen
1 per day
Total: $15.31 for 34 pills, $3.06 after Blue Cross
and
Novo-spiroton 100mg
Spironolactone 100mg
1 per day
Total: $31.29 for 100 pills, $6.26 after Blue Cross
I actually can't take these pills today like I had hoped.
I have to fast for 12 hours, then go for blood tests first. These tests are used for my 'baseline', so in three months when I go back to Dr Wilson he will take more blood tests to see how the hormones have changed things. After my blood tests I can only take the spiro, I have to wait two weeks to start taking the estrogen. I have a feeling I won't be able to wait the whole two weeks :)
My sister was very nice to me today. She not only got me a card in the shape of a butterfly (I identify with butterflies because I am like a butterfly), but she bought me some candles, some butterfly fridge magnets, and a butterfly beanie baby named Flitter. The tag on the beanie baby says:
I did not know what I was meant to be
Covered in fuzz, it was hard to see
Now a butterfly, what a beautiful sight
On silken wings I take to flight.
Today began at the hospital. I showed up and went to let the medical receptionist know I was there. She took my letter from the Dr, and my health card. She punched a bunch of keys on the keyboard and said she would be right back with my printout. As she walked back to me she was looking it over and she paused and said there was a mistake! She needed my card back again. So I handed her the card and she looked at it. I am pretty sure she was looking at the 'M' on the card and realized the 'M' on the printout wasn't a mistake afterall. She handed it back with a 'Oh! Nevermind.'
I am sure I am not the first transgender woman to visit the hormone doctor, so I was quite impressed with myself that she didn't clock me right away.
I was taken to a room and soon a doctor with an accent came in. I noticed that he often looked at my breasts. He was taking my medical history and between looking at my face and looking at his clipboard he would pause for an instant at my chest. Now I know he knows I am physically male, so my only theory is that he was trying to figure out what was inside my bra. I think with each glance he was thinking "Kleenexes?".... "socks?" ... "apples?"
Soon after the real doctor came in. His name is Dr Wilson. He is quite old, and he carries one of those doctor bags doctors from the 50's would carry on their way to house calls. He got me to stand up and he started measuring. He already had me weighed, and my height taken, and now he was measuring around my waist and around my hips. He told me a male has a waist to hip ratio of typically around 0.9 and up, and a woman's ratio is 0.8 or less. My ratio is 0.87, so he pointed out to me that it appeared as though I was less than the average male in that regard. Well despite the reason I was there, and the clothes I was wearing I also added that I am less than the average male in a LOT of ways.
I walked out with two prescriptions. One for anti-androgens - to block testosterone, and one for estrogen - to provide what my body lacks, but what most other women already get from nature. These are the particulars:
Cyproterone
C.E.S 1.25 mg
Conjugated Estrogen
1 per day
Total: $15.31 for 34 pills, $3.06 after Blue Cross
and
Novo-spiroton 100mg
Spironolactone 100mg
1 per day
Total: $31.29 for 100 pills, $6.26 after Blue Cross
I actually can't take these pills today like I had hoped.
I have to fast for 12 hours, then go for blood tests first. These tests are used for my 'baseline', so in three months when I go back to Dr Wilson he will take more blood tests to see how the hormones have changed things. After my blood tests I can only take the spiro, I have to wait two weeks to start taking the estrogen. I have a feeling I won't be able to wait the whole two weeks :)
My sister was very nice to me today. She not only got me a card in the shape of a butterfly (I identify with butterflies because I am like a butterfly), but she bought me some candles, some butterfly fridge magnets, and a butterfly beanie baby named Flitter. The tag on the beanie baby says:
I did not know what I was meant to be
Covered in fuzz, it was hard to see
Now a butterfly, what a beautiful sight
On silken wings I take to flight.
Tomorrow I get my wings...
I'm jumping.
I was still in elementary school when I happened to catch an episode of Donahue. I had already known what I was when I saw this show, but I had no idea what was possible. The guest was Caroline Cossey, and the reason she was on the show was because even though she played a 'bond girl' in 'For Your Eyes Only' she was born a male. Donahue played up her part quite a bit because she wasn't really a bond girl so much as a girl in a James Bond movie. Her time on screen amounted to about 2 seconds - as a camera pans across a pool you can see her in the background. I didn't care what movie she was in though, I just cared about her body - it was perfectly female. They talked a lot about how a male could possibly look like her, and the answer was female hormones. I remember I was 10 years old and my whole life had just changed. I was certain I would be on hormones before I finished highschool, and I would be living as a woman shortly after that and I would end up being a beautiful woman just like Caroline Cossey.
Turns out I was chicken though. That didn't happen. None of the daydreams happened. Instead of trying to do something towards making my daydreams a reality I kept my secret hidden deep inside me. Still, every day of my life I would keep up with the daydreaming. I'd have to change them as time went on though. I'd leave a little bit out of the final picture because I knew the longer I waited, the less feminine as I would become. I knew that hormones couldn't undo the masculinization of puberty, and each day I waited meant I would be more masculine. I used to dream about being beautiful, then after a few years I simply dreamed of being passable. Eventually I felt like it was too late to even try. The daydreams stopped being an inevitability and they became a fantasy. If a couple years ago I thought about the state of my life it would really depress me. Missed opportunities are always sad but especially when the opportunity you missed was a happy life - and that is what I thought I had given up. Those times when I would be depressed over what I hadn't done I had one thought keeping me going. Even though I didn't really believe it really would ever happen, and even if I did the results wouldn't be as dramatic, the thought that kept me sane was "... someday".
"Someday" is a stupid term when used for hope. I don't know how it ever even gave me any hope at all because to say "someday" is like walking towards the horizon. You can almost always see it out there, but no matter how far you walk you never see yourself getting any closer. Imagine if it was possible to catch up to the horizon though. That would be something! It would take so long, and I bet it would be like you are walking along, your eyes set on that line dividing sky and ground and before you knew it that line is at your feet. One more step and you leave that familiar ground you have been walking all your life and you enter into the unknown. One more step and you could fall or fly, who knows which. This is where I am at right now - at that ledge separating my whole life from my daydreams.
For me, "someday" is today. In about 6 hours I will have the prescription for hormones in my hand and I will be ready to take that next step. I'm pretty sure though that I won't take it. No, I haven't changed my mind about hormones at all, I just mean that when the time comes I am not stepping off that ledge, I'm jumping.
Turns out I was chicken though. That didn't happen. None of the daydreams happened. Instead of trying to do something towards making my daydreams a reality I kept my secret hidden deep inside me. Still, every day of my life I would keep up with the daydreaming. I'd have to change them as time went on though. I'd leave a little bit out of the final picture because I knew the longer I waited, the less feminine as I would become. I knew that hormones couldn't undo the masculinization of puberty, and each day I waited meant I would be more masculine. I used to dream about being beautiful, then after a few years I simply dreamed of being passable. Eventually I felt like it was too late to even try. The daydreams stopped being an inevitability and they became a fantasy. If a couple years ago I thought about the state of my life it would really depress me. Missed opportunities are always sad but especially when the opportunity you missed was a happy life - and that is what I thought I had given up. Those times when I would be depressed over what I hadn't done I had one thought keeping me going. Even though I didn't really believe it really would ever happen, and even if I did the results wouldn't be as dramatic, the thought that kept me sane was "... someday".
"Someday" is a stupid term when used for hope. I don't know how it ever even gave me any hope at all because to say "someday" is like walking towards the horizon. You can almost always see it out there, but no matter how far you walk you never see yourself getting any closer. Imagine if it was possible to catch up to the horizon though. That would be something! It would take so long, and I bet it would be like you are walking along, your eyes set on that line dividing sky and ground and before you knew it that line is at your feet. One more step and you leave that familiar ground you have been walking all your life and you enter into the unknown. One more step and you could fall or fly, who knows which. This is where I am at right now - at that ledge separating my whole life from my daydreams.
For me, "someday" is today. In about 6 hours I will have the prescription for hormones in my hand and I will be ready to take that next step. I'm pretty sure though that I won't take it. No, I haven't changed my mind about hormones at all, I just mean that when the time comes I am not stepping off that ledge, I'm jumping.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Tarred and Socked
So a while ago Joey and I bought some wax strips. The instructions said to warm the strips between your hands, then peel the plastic off and stick to the waxing area. Press it on nice and good and rip. We tried it the day we got it, and it was actually pretty cool. Tonight it was super hot in my room and I didn't feel like doing anything so I decided to do a little waxing on myself - my arms to be precise. I know I know, who waxes her arms??? I do! Stop laughing at me. So anyway, I sat down on the floor and went to work.
Anyway, so I decide I am going to do this in a batch. Instead of doing it one strip at a time I was going to do all of them at once. I took a bunch of strips and sat on them to warm them. One by one I fastened them to the best places until I had 8 strips covering both arms. What I didn't realize at the time is how that warming between the hands is supposed to work. I know now that when the wax is slightly warmer it allows the hair to sink in. Then when applied to the skin, since it only has one surface area of body heat next to it, the wax cools a bit so it grabs the hair, and so it all comes off with the strip when you yank it off.
My problem is that I probably overheated the strips to begin with when I sat on them. Then to make matters worse it was probably still 27 degrees in my room, so those strips were never going to cool off unless I bought a walk-in cooler. I didn't know this yet though. I was sitting on my floor amoungst yesterday's discarded clothes and I pulled off the first strip. It didn't hurt at all, and the reason for this is the nice gooey wax didn't pull off any hair - in fact the wax didn't pull off at all! In my hand was a perfectly wax-free strip of plastic, and on my arm was a perfect rectangle of purple wax.
OMG I thought, What happened??
Well, I like to think I am a scientific sort of girl, and the reason I hadn't figured out what happened because I hadn't performed enough trials. That was soon to change. One by one I pulled the strips off and the outcome was the same. When I was all done I was not only still hairy, but I was covered in wax. What is worse is that I didn't know it at the time, but wax is actually harder to remove than hair. The strips come with this oil that does a good job of dissolving the wax, but it comes in such a small bottle it is obvious it was only meant to touching up little areas, it wasn't meant to bathe in.
So there I was, sitting half naked on my floor with 8 purple, super sticky rectangles on my arms. I didn't really know what to do. I decided to put the strips back on most of the waxy areas on one of my arms, and I sat there thinking the wax might cool enough to rip it off. As I waited I rested my arms on my knees, only to realize a split second later that now I would have wax on my knees. Sure enough, I had purple circles of wax on my knees. I grabbed a towel and tried to wipe it off, but I just ended up with purple circles of wax and lint on my knees.
I decided if the strips hadn't cooled off by now they were never going to so I let 'er rip. Yes! Some wax and some hair came off! but it was still mostly there. That idea wasn't working so I tried to roll the wax off my skin with my fingers. You guessed it - purple waxy sticky fingers.
By the time I decided I had to go wash off with hot hot hot soapy water I had wax covering most of my exposed skin, and to my surprise I also had a sock stuck to my thigh. If I learned anything today it was some things are just better off done by professionals. Home waxing kits should come with a label: "Warning: Do not attempt at home".
Anyway, so I decide I am going to do this in a batch. Instead of doing it one strip at a time I was going to do all of them at once. I took a bunch of strips and sat on them to warm them. One by one I fastened them to the best places until I had 8 strips covering both arms. What I didn't realize at the time is how that warming between the hands is supposed to work. I know now that when the wax is slightly warmer it allows the hair to sink in. Then when applied to the skin, since it only has one surface area of body heat next to it, the wax cools a bit so it grabs the hair, and so it all comes off with the strip when you yank it off.
My problem is that I probably overheated the strips to begin with when I sat on them. Then to make matters worse it was probably still 27 degrees in my room, so those strips were never going to cool off unless I bought a walk-in cooler. I didn't know this yet though. I was sitting on my floor amoungst yesterday's discarded clothes and I pulled off the first strip. It didn't hurt at all, and the reason for this is the nice gooey wax didn't pull off any hair - in fact the wax didn't pull off at all! In my hand was a perfectly wax-free strip of plastic, and on my arm was a perfect rectangle of purple wax.
OMG I thought, What happened??
Well, I like to think I am a scientific sort of girl, and the reason I hadn't figured out what happened because I hadn't performed enough trials. That was soon to change. One by one I pulled the strips off and the outcome was the same. When I was all done I was not only still hairy, but I was covered in wax. What is worse is that I didn't know it at the time, but wax is actually harder to remove than hair. The strips come with this oil that does a good job of dissolving the wax, but it comes in such a small bottle it is obvious it was only meant to touching up little areas, it wasn't meant to bathe in.
So there I was, sitting half naked on my floor with 8 purple, super sticky rectangles on my arms. I didn't really know what to do. I decided to put the strips back on most of the waxy areas on one of my arms, and I sat there thinking the wax might cool enough to rip it off. As I waited I rested my arms on my knees, only to realize a split second later that now I would have wax on my knees. Sure enough, I had purple circles of wax on my knees. I grabbed a towel and tried to wipe it off, but I just ended up with purple circles of wax and lint on my knees.
I decided if the strips hadn't cooled off by now they were never going to so I let 'er rip. Yes! Some wax and some hair came off! but it was still mostly there. That idea wasn't working so I tried to roll the wax off my skin with my fingers. You guessed it - purple waxy sticky fingers.
By the time I decided I had to go wash off with hot hot hot soapy water I had wax covering most of my exposed skin, and to my surprise I also had a sock stuck to my thigh. If I learned anything today it was some things are just better off done by professionals. Home waxing kits should come with a label: "Warning: Do not attempt at home".
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
The Move-In
The move-in was much better, but it was stressful for me in another way. Since we had a bunch of extra people in there moving in and out tramping all over, the apartment felt greasy, the floor was sticky, the air was murky and there were boxes everywhere. My room had too much stuff in it, the apartment had too much garbage in it, and the kitchen was full of boxes, and nothing was clean. It felt very claustrophobic. It is a terrible thing to be in your own home and feel penned in, imprisoned, like you had no place to move, no place to spread out, no place to relax. It's just a messy place though right? Why am I whining? I think I was feeling so very uneasy because I was feeling a physical sensation that mirrored the emotional situation I had just escaped. I had just finished a few months in an apartment with a roommate who, at least in my interpretation, had this air of discontent, disapproval and walled-off anger about him that filled the apartment with an emotionally oppressive quality. It does not feel good to share space with a person who finds you disgusting. Even with physical room to move around he made the place feel claustrophobic because the only time I didn't feel like I was garbage was when I closed myself into my room and hid. I spent the weekend fixing all this though. I literally and figuratively threw out the trash.
If your home is a mess it can make you feel down, so to most people it would make perfect sense to clean it up. If your home life is a mess though you end up feeling even worse and the cause isn't as easy to see. A lot of people will put up with a home life that is full of crap for a lot longer than they'd tolerate a messy home. I have to say, once you have them both cleaned up you feel a lot better and everything seems a bit brighter.
If your home is a mess it can make you feel down, so to most people it would make perfect sense to clean it up. If your home life is a mess though you end up feeling even worse and the cause isn't as easy to see. A lot of people will put up with a home life that is full of crap for a lot longer than they'd tolerate a messy home. I have to say, once you have them both cleaned up you feel a lot better and everything seems a bit brighter.
The Move-Out
So last week was the first of July and I had plenty of reasons to celebrate: Canada Day! Stat Holiday! New Roommate Day!
Let me tell you a little bit about my long weekend: The people involved are:
Curtis: The former roommate, tall, grouchy, doesn't like TG's, and hater of bathroom paraphenalia
Mark: The new roommate, short, pleasant, likes LoTR and camembert cheese.
Sarah: The constant in the roommate equation, tall, easy going, shining beacon of hope, can't spell camembert.
You all know how it works when you move right? Ideally you want your stuff out early so you can clean. I say ideally because it is not often that a person has a place available that he can move his stuff to in order to have room to clean up. In this case though both Mark and Curtis were in luck. Both people could move their stuff into a place that wasn't filled with strangers. Mark could move his to my place, and Curtis could move his to his sisters. Both people had the same plan. Move on the second last day, clean on the last. So Mark had movers come on the afternoon of the 29th. I went home a little early to arrange for the move-in.
I took everything from the kitchen and moved it out to the living room or balcony. All of Mark's stuff was put in the kitchen starting from the corner and working outwards. There was a lot of stuff, but it was all completely contained in the kitchen. I am not a stupid woman, I obviously know that having the possessions of three people in an apartment meant for two is going to be crowded. I had this in mind when I had Mark's stuff placed where it was placed, but apparently Curtis had other ideas in mind for his move-out.
Curtis had come home, saw the stuff piled in the corner and for some reason felt that the kitchen was key to his move-out. The kitchen was to his move-out as a keystone is to a Roman aqueduct and without the kitchen his entire move-out strategy fell to pieces. He reacted as if months of careful planning had been brought down in a single, malicious blow. He shook with anger as if I purposefully robbed him access to the prime real estate of the kitchen and I only did so because I wanted to fuck him over. The question then is, when you think you have been fucked over because you didn't bother to think it through yourself what do you do? In Curtis's case the answer is to bang walls and yell "what the fuck is this shit?!?"
I heard a bang and a yell and it woke me up. I figured it was a neighbour or something. I heard another bang and someone yelled "Hello?!? HELLO! What the fuck is this?" I was still half asleep and I thought I must have a crazy neighbour who was trying to get in my apartment. Little did I know the crazy person was already in my apartment! I left my room and Curtis said "What the fuck is that?" and he pointed to the kitchen. I looked but said nothing "How the fuck am I supposed to move my shit out?" I had already planned for this eventuality. I knew Curtis would swear as soon as he saw Mark's stuff, so I knew I needed to make sure his stuff could get out so I said "Don't worry we can fit it." and I went back into my room. As I was closing the door he said "I'm going to be fitting some stuff out the fucking window pretty soon!!" He was of course talking about throwing Mark's stuff off the balcony. I closed my door and went back to bed.
Then I heard the words "fucking FREAK!" and so I assumed this was meant to address me and so I left my room again. "What did you say?" Curtis ignored me, thrust his fists down at his sides in a motion that was only a foot-stamp away from a little-girl-tantrum, and then he walked outside to the balcony. "You call me a fucking freak?" I asked. Curtis shooks his arms around and said "I said *I* am going to fucking freak!!!!" and he started to light a cigarette. His hands were actually shaking. I said "Now now, we won't have to throw your stuff out the window, we can fit it. So you just sit and smoke and calm down." I was about to walk away when I asked "When did you think he'd start moving his stuff?" Curtis replied that he thought he would start moving on the first, "you know, like the LAW SAYS! I have until the first to get out of here!" I said "Nobody is kicking you out early. You have until midnight tomorrow, and Mark isn't moving in until the first, but his stuff is here already so he can clean his other place." We looked at each other for a minute and then he sat to shake and smoke so I left.
I wanted to go back to sleep but instead I decided it was best to supervise. I mean he doesn't have to pay damage now, he could bang the walls up all he wanted and *I* would have to pay when it comes time for me to move out. The move out seemed to go ok. He didn't take what he didn't want though, so I spent a lot of time throwing out garbage. I think it is funny that the next day he spent ten minutes cleaning and I spent three hours. He vacuumed the floor and that was it. He didn't wipe off his window sill or his heat register. As I cleaned of his register though and it was covered in hair! He is going to be BALD soon!
Well that was the move-out. It was stressful but now it is OVER!
Let me tell you a little bit about my long weekend: The people involved are:
Curtis: The former roommate, tall, grouchy, doesn't like TG's, and hater of bathroom paraphenalia
Mark: The new roommate, short, pleasant, likes LoTR and camembert cheese.
Sarah: The constant in the roommate equation, tall, easy going, shining beacon of hope, can't spell camembert.
You all know how it works when you move right? Ideally you want your stuff out early so you can clean. I say ideally because it is not often that a person has a place available that he can move his stuff to in order to have room to clean up. In this case though both Mark and Curtis were in luck. Both people could move their stuff into a place that wasn't filled with strangers. Mark could move his to my place, and Curtis could move his to his sisters. Both people had the same plan. Move on the second last day, clean on the last. So Mark had movers come on the afternoon of the 29th. I went home a little early to arrange for the move-in.
I took everything from the kitchen and moved it out to the living room or balcony. All of Mark's stuff was put in the kitchen starting from the corner and working outwards. There was a lot of stuff, but it was all completely contained in the kitchen. I am not a stupid woman, I obviously know that having the possessions of three people in an apartment meant for two is going to be crowded. I had this in mind when I had Mark's stuff placed where it was placed, but apparently Curtis had other ideas in mind for his move-out.
Curtis had come home, saw the stuff piled in the corner and for some reason felt that the kitchen was key to his move-out. The kitchen was to his move-out as a keystone is to a Roman aqueduct and without the kitchen his entire move-out strategy fell to pieces. He reacted as if months of careful planning had been brought down in a single, malicious blow. He shook with anger as if I purposefully robbed him access to the prime real estate of the kitchen and I only did so because I wanted to fuck him over. The question then is, when you think you have been fucked over because you didn't bother to think it through yourself what do you do? In Curtis's case the answer is to bang walls and yell "what the fuck is this shit?!?"
I heard a bang and a yell and it woke me up. I figured it was a neighbour or something. I heard another bang and someone yelled "Hello?!? HELLO! What the fuck is this?" I was still half asleep and I thought I must have a crazy neighbour who was trying to get in my apartment. Little did I know the crazy person was already in my apartment! I left my room and Curtis said "What the fuck is that?" and he pointed to the kitchen. I looked but said nothing "How the fuck am I supposed to move my shit out?" I had already planned for this eventuality. I knew Curtis would swear as soon as he saw Mark's stuff, so I knew I needed to make sure his stuff could get out so I said "Don't worry we can fit it." and I went back into my room. As I was closing the door he said "I'm going to be fitting some stuff out the fucking window pretty soon!!" He was of course talking about throwing Mark's stuff off the balcony. I closed my door and went back to bed.
Then I heard the words "fucking FREAK!" and so I assumed this was meant to address me and so I left my room again. "What did you say?" Curtis ignored me, thrust his fists down at his sides in a motion that was only a foot-stamp away from a little-girl-tantrum, and then he walked outside to the balcony. "You call me a fucking freak?" I asked. Curtis shooks his arms around and said "I said *I* am going to fucking freak!!!!" and he started to light a cigarette. His hands were actually shaking. I said "Now now, we won't have to throw your stuff out the window, we can fit it. So you just sit and smoke and calm down." I was about to walk away when I asked "When did you think he'd start moving his stuff?" Curtis replied that he thought he would start moving on the first, "you know, like the LAW SAYS! I have until the first to get out of here!" I said "Nobody is kicking you out early. You have until midnight tomorrow, and Mark isn't moving in until the first, but his stuff is here already so he can clean his other place." We looked at each other for a minute and then he sat to shake and smoke so I left.
I wanted to go back to sleep but instead I decided it was best to supervise. I mean he doesn't have to pay damage now, he could bang the walls up all he wanted and *I* would have to pay when it comes time for me to move out. The move out seemed to go ok. He didn't take what he didn't want though, so I spent a lot of time throwing out garbage. I think it is funny that the next day he spent ten minutes cleaning and I spent three hours. He vacuumed the floor and that was it. He didn't wipe off his window sill or his heat register. As I cleaned of his register though and it was covered in hair! He is going to be BALD soon!
Well that was the move-out. It was stressful but now it is OVER!
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